I’ve grown to notice an urgency in my voice that cannot be satiated by my own witnessing. Simply, I regard myself as I am regarded by others, and depend wholly upon reciprocated address. This, of course, is to allude to the fact that I finished a journal recently, and noticed in the undercurrents an erotic fascination with the idea that someone would find them, read them, and publish them. So, in an attempt to bridge, achieve, and ultimately destroy this fantasy, I’m attaching a series of scanned pages. Here, I’m taking out the middle-man and I don’t have to die. Maybe it’s easier, maybe it’s more truthful, maybe it wavers in an and out of my voice.
The first page (not scanned here) contains notes from my freshman lighting design class, and is dated 9/15/17. At some point, I stopped dating the pages in this particular journal altogether, but I know it followed me through a series of events and occurrences that I will list in no particular order:
- The entirety of college
- A pandemic
- Two, three, or four heartbreaks
- Countless fucks, good, bad, pitiful, and dangerous
- Long and short, recent and distant episodes of mania
- Necessity to quantify the relationship of all things
- Obsession with math, geometry and differential calculus
- A recent relinquishing of something
I have, out of respect for all participants, collaborators, fucks, old and new friends, etc., hidden any names. To that end, I congratulate all who were special enough to make a guest appearance in this journal, and I thank you for altering the landscape of my life in some way. If you think that hidden underneath one of those black boxes is your name, I encourage you to 1) Assume that you are probably right, and 2) Take it as a sign of respect. There are few things left in the world, therefore, you can let me poeticize your name, presence, and likeness.
Some pages are dances even though they are poems or long equations, and some entries are smut fantasies. Some pages are harder to read than others, so make it up. It’s all always the same monster.
Just past the paywall, you will find access to all of the images. This may or may not continue to be a running theme for PIG. I don’t have the answers yet, but I hope you’ll stay regardless.
Gracefully,
RM